What a mess: One mother’s response to the latest mommy wars



I think I need to weigh in on the articles and blog posts that have been circulating in the latest round of the “mommy wars,”–whatever that is. I’m not big on making sweeping judgments about other people’s lifestyle choices. Feel happy and fulfilled and like you’ve got your financial shit together working outside the home? Great! You’re a good mom, and you’ve probably got awesome shoes. Feel happy and fulfilled and like you’ve got your financial shit together while staying out of the paid workforce and raising your kids? Great! You’re a good mom too, but you’ve probably got less awesome shoes. (Like me.) Send your kid to public or private school? Great! They are probably going to turn out fine, and they leave your house for eight hours a day, which is clearly a good idea. Homeschool your kid? Great! They are probably going to turn out fine too, and I’m sure you have a reason for keeping them there that makes their relentless presence in your house worthwhile.

Now moving on to the details. Lately these so-called “wars” seem to have descended from these more obvious issues and into the petty realm of party and event planning, and whether or not you keep your house clean. I think these articles that bash a “culture” of Pinterest-obsessed mothers who plan picturesque birthday parties or set leprechaun traps are meant to make mothers who opt not to do these things feel better, but is that really the way to do it? Why are we giving other mothers a hard time at all? No mother is out there posting cupcakes on Pinterest or scrubbing her kitchen floor to make you feel inadequate, nor should they be asked to stop because of your negative response. What your house looks like is between you and the other people who live in it. It’s not about the articles or the bloggers or the playdate mamas. There is no vast conspiracy of military-industrial anything telling you to plan Pinterest holiday events or keep your mail slots beautiful. You do what feels right at your house, and let’s stop spilling ink on whether or not it’s a contest.

All the articles about how the Pinterest stuff takes it too far, and no one else’s house is really that clean, and every birthday party doesn’t have to be magical, and that’s not even really a holiday, blah, blah, undermine other mothers. Because mothers who plan elaborate parties love their children. Mothers who don’t plan elaborate parties love their children. Mothers who use Pinterest ideas to turn small holidays into big moments of wonder love their children. Mothers who would rather eat roadkill than handle glitter love their children. Mothers who are too up to their eyeballs in case work, or shift work, or depression, or a dirty novel to even notice this conversation is going on love their children. Making a plea to other mothers to stop doing whatever they are doing–whether it is icing gorgeous cupcakes, or cleaning their house before a playdate, or having a job, or not having a job–is not an act of sisterhood. It is trying to take another mother’s behavior and make it about you.

Maybe what we need is to stop talking about the behavior of other mothers. Maybe all the moms just need a nice shot in the arm of self-confidence and the space to get a grip on what is important to them and what is not, and then mind their own business. If you know you love your children, and you make your decisions based on what is right for you and for them, then what everyone else is doing is just not relevant.  And housekeeping, for pete’s sake, why is this a conversation in 2014? It’s not a ranked activity–it’s your own private thing. The dirty underwear on your floor is, quite literally, your dirty underwear (or to be perfectly honest it’s probably your toddler’s) and if it bothers you that much go and pick it up. And if it doesn’t then literally shut the front door and no one else will see it. No one on Pinterest or the blog world or uninvited to your house is going to know about it.

By the same token, if looking at photographs of “perfect” birthday parties or Hallmark holiday celebrations on Pinterest or blogs is some sort of trigger for you, why don’t you stay off Pinterest and the blogs? You are a grown-up. Read bodice-rippers or dirty fan-fiction in the time you would have spent “getting ideas” about how everyone else’s life is better than yours. That always puts me in a better mood, and I never end up spending $50 on new art supplies next day. But I’d like to point out that the problem is probably not that other people are posting blogs or Pinterest photos of parties and celebrations, but that you are responding to them by feeling inadequate. I doubt that anyone ever iced cupcakes just to make someone else feel bad. Get a backbone and say “I want to make these cupcakes” and then really do it. Or say, “I am never going to make these cupcakes, and I’m having a negative reaction to seeing other people’s cupcakes, so I need to work on my self-esteem. I’m going to remind myself that I’m a mother who loves her children, that quality mothering and cupcake baking are not actually correlated. Now I’m going to shut down this browser and stay away from cupcake photos. I will not resort to the middle-school coping mechanism of running down the mama who baked the cupcakes (who also loves her children) to make myself feel better.”

I’m a cupcake-baker. I have cute birthday parties for my kids. Sometimes I even have cute half-birthday celebrations for my kids and blog about them. Sometimes we totally forget about the kids’ half-birthdays, and if anyone happens to remember at the last moment we run to the corner gas station and buy packaged cupcakes. Or we don’t even bother. Sometimes my house is beautifully clean and my mail slots are worthy of Pinterest. Sometimes random piles of crap appear all over my house and there is no clean laundry and my mail slots overflow. Sometimes I like to browse ideas on Pinterest. Sometimes I like to read dirty novels and pay no attention to applesauce on the floor or the yogurt being dumped on the dog or the fact that yesterday was a Hallmark holiday I missed. And I LOVE MY KIDS. I don’t judge myself based on anyone else’s criteria because I am comfortable in my own skin. That is a gift, I realize, but it is also a choice. I honor that you are a good mother because you love your kids. I am not going to judge the choices you make about working or schooling or (the biggie!) crafty holiday decorations. I’m not going to ask you to lie about your house, or to lie about lying about it. Because you are your own person, and, like me, you probably keep your house the way it needs to be right now for you. And you love your kids.

Now I’m a little embarrassed that in a state where slightly more than a third of children live in poverty I have just spend an hour acknowledging any importance in the petty “mommy wars,” in which well-fed mothers argue over things that don’t really matter. Except that niceness always matters. And making some theoretically heroic summons of sisterhood for mothers to stop fussing over Hallmark holidays (if they enjoy it) or planning cutesy birthday parties (if they want to) or having a tidy house (or lying about it?) isn’t nice. It just isn’t about you. Take it or leave it. It didn’t become a contest until someone who felt like they were losing started whining about calling off the contest. You can decide what to look at it and what to avoid. Live you own life. Love your children. Go talk about things that matter. And if you have something to say to another mother let it be positive.

I’ll start. I honor you and the mother that you are. I don’t care what your house looks like, even if it is spectacular. I don’t care if you are baking picture-perfect cupcakes (though if you are and you have extra, my favorite flavor is lemon). I don’t care if you are picking up cupcakes from the gas station (though if you are and you have extra, my favorite flavor is that waxy orange with the white squiggle on top). I hope you are in an employment situation that feels right to you. I hope your children are in educational situations that feel right to you. I hope you have the self-confidence to look at ideas and tuck away what you like and discard the rest. I hope you realize how beautiful you are. I hope you realize that you are the right parent for your child. And I know you love your children.

Peace, Mama!

13 responses »

  1. Wow!!! I loved this post Renata. You have a way with words. I have been a mother for nearly 24 years and I can not believe that the Mummy wars are still going on. The subject may have changed and add pinterest which wasn’t around way back then. I am in awe of some of the birthday cakes that I see around the place. I just wanted healthy and happy kids raised within our budget and belief system. My 3 kids amazingly all turned out great and are good citizens of the planet. That is all that counts for us.

  2. I really can’t believe that women are spending their time having to address this kind of nonsense. Getting permission to step outside of self imposed pressure (some people really are lazy) or peer pressure (one should avoid PTA involvement if you are susceptible to outside forces) is good and should be encouraged. Try my motto on for size: “What others think of me is none of my business”. Just Love your kids and do what’s best for them and for you. Your in this parental racket indefinitely now so find a style that works for you and try and enjoy your kids while their young so you can enjoy them when their older. My 44 year old daughter gives me more delight the older she gets…and we never celebrated half year birthdays though creating personal family rituals is a nice touch. we went for Friday night pizza and games, sharing dreams in the morning over breakfast and making sandwiches for the homeless (didn’t do church, not our style). I made it easier on myself by also making sure my son got variety in his housecleaning chores and occasional cooking classes so he could have a certain amount of self sufficiency in the kitchen , which freed me up (my two children were 14 years apart) while preparing him to be a contributing husband.

    • I adore the “nailed it” meme. And good for you. I’d have stayed out myself, but I was so tired of the thinly-veiled snarking that kept showing up in my newsfeed. There is a recent genre of posts/articles all about how bloggy moms need to “dial it back” so other moms don’t feel compelled to follow their leads. The whole approach is so backward. We criticize the thought-leader moms because we don’t want to feel inadequate next to their inspiration? Dude. Take it or effing leave it. 🙂

  3. Love!

    Precisely why I refuse to “do” Pinterest: My crafty skills suck, and I have the tendency toward beating myself up for EVERYTHING. Feelings are preceded by thoughts, which may be preceded by viewing numerous pins about beautiful things that I could not reproduce and/or afford. So, why not just avoid that unnecessary torture?

    I became a much happier person when I figured out how to use knowing my limitations to my advantage! ^_^

  4. You know, I made a comment about a lady recently, not mean, just something I didn’t understand. And a friend said to, “It’s NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS why she just spent money on an EIGHTH Christmas tree instead of buying $4 mosquito nets to save lives in AFrica!!! Not, your money, not your responsibility, NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS.” I was so thankful to her because no one had every said that to me before. It gave me such freedom as I saw the obvious truth in what she was saying immediately. I wonder if our culture of “judge everything” had kept me chained in that quagmire, or if other people intrinsically understood that and it was just me. While the internet is no teller of truths, it does seem to give the impression that people think everything is their business. And it becomes so. Your words leave me with the understanding that you are trying to communicate the same thing. If I was set free by a friend simply giving me permission to not consider outside things, perhaps there are others out there too. Think we need more people saying, “It’s none of your business. Have some self-control and personal responsibility.” Thanks for being one.

    • Thank you! It is freeing to stop worrying about other people’s choices. I think I’d still argue that it’s ok to solicit for mosquito nets, because otherwise people might not realize that choice is open, but being the sort of person who lobbies for change or generosity is different from taking it on yourself when someone makes other choices. KWIM? Thanks for your nice comment.

  5. Pingback: Some new boy clothes | There's no place like homemade

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